losing my faith

No matter how much you give away
When everytime you are left with no words
Why is never love so beautiful in the world of this part
Someone's present affected by others past
And things supposedly look like never to last
Only if there was a switch to cut these emotions
Alas my faith is turning to a notion
All is lost and the time is slowly past
And moving on is not just the hardest part

My guiding star

What would I do when you be gone
Oh the love of my life
What would I do when you be gone
My heart encompassed in strife
The faith in reality is dwindled
When you would be gone
Nostalgia is what in me is kindled
Oh I cant even call it wrong
What you mean to me is a mystery
Nothing can define
Search the entire history
So close but not yet mine
I wont stop you , I wont I say
I could make a million reasons
But you have no reasons to stay
I feel lost I dont know how
I lost my sense to ask why
So close but yet so far
Amidst the dark night, my guiding star

Behind the silver line

All about a twist in a tale
Thickened stain of blood so pale
Tangled in this conundrum
Trying not to feel and be numb
Chills running through veins
How will it come off, these stains
Stains of love or stains of desire
Engulfed my soul in this fire
Out of my body beside my pyre
Live the rest of my life like a liar
This desire has turned into an obsession
Out of my reach an invaluable possession
Chills delving deep into the core
Drift afar distant away from the shore
I do smile I do smile
If day dreams could last awhile
Searching for the sunshine
My hope hidden behind the silver line.

Why I never replied

Its been a while I have known her
Doesnt feel like that
She treats me like a stranger
Never has been a day that past
And now i dont remember
when i spoke to her last
And I thought i would write a song
And things will mend
Matters will move along
She never cared so I stopped
A train to a destination
Away from her I hopped
Time went by and one day came
Are you alright?
Where is the song you were gonna frame
I smiled politely and replied
I did write
But there was no number
So I never replied

And how the time just froze

I thought things moved on
trails of you left out long
but here am i 
here am i with my eyes closed
you in front of me 
and how the time just froze

what i am going through 
seems inexplicably untrue
I have moved on I know
drifted downstream with the flow
but like a message from the past
came across a drift bottle lost
it had a picture of us
a time overridden with rust

and here am i with my eyes closed
you in front of me
and how the time just froze

but no matter what happens
its true that dreams are untrue
and amidst this dilemma
of being zoned out or in reality
maintaining my fragile sanity
trying to wake up and move on
and here i am standing with your memories
setting adrift from my loose grip
and like a pollen lost in the wilderness
slowly vanishing you away
embarking again on my way
with memories
willingly unwilling to leave away

Disquieted

Walking past the know face

Troubled inside out

Steady, just hold your ground

Walking past with a silent shout

And you know it will be hard

Rather not gaining attention

Try to ignore

More difficult becomes situation

Let patience be the virtue

Keeps repeating inside

But its much alike holding roar

When you are aboard an adrenaline ride

And its not the first

Neither it is the last

Again you walk past the face

By the situation, being lambaste

But the face will be usual

Sooner or later will it fade

And I'll be back again

The vengeful bard with tombs to raid

Itch with no cure

its been a long since you left
suddenly everything is bereft
those long endless nights
when love blinded your sight
am not alone I want to think
but i am this close to on brink
a nudge at back and i am gonna fall
I dont when this going to end
When would i stop feeling imprisoned
Your thoughts keep me apprehended
I guess you were right 
I was blinded though having sight
This day was going to come for sure
I created this itch with no cure

Willing to strive

I wish to write you down
Capture you between these lines
All I ever wanted to entrap
Your beauty between these rhymes
I am lost in these woods
Baffled amidst this golden lush
The sky used to be blue
But now is red like you blushed
Blinded but followed the shine
Till the horizon engulfed the silver line
Its now dark , a queer melancholic night
On my knees I put up a fight
Was i fooled or entangled in illusion
is this true or a sweet delusion
Cant catch hold of breath but still alive
Feels dead inside but willing to strive

Could begin again

I tried to reach you but was blocked 
I tried to meet you but your door was locked 
I called you anonymous just to hear your voice 
I switched 10 numbers to b blocked I had no choice 
I just wish to talk to you once coz I need my answers 
Why did you kept lying keeping open the chances 
You said you never needed me 
Us being together was a liability
It was you who thought so when I was hiding reality 
But you forgot those desperate times 
When you accepted to.be my incomplete rhyme 
When you let me hold your hand and stare in your eyes 
You loved it when I trusted you more ,overlooking truths n lies 
When in the rain on my knees I asked will you be with me forever 
And you wanted to walk through till end by my side 
I never felt and I would never come to know
Those things you said or did meant nothing but a staged show 
I seek my answers I want back my wasted past 
I wish I could begin everything again from.the.start ...

Its not gonna be forever

Its difficult to forget 
but its not impossible
Its difficult to get back up
When you fall 
With dust in your eyes
Unable to even crawl
But the challenge is 
In the phase you see
The time you spend
Down in dust
The time you take
to get back up
Between the rise and fall
Its up to you 
to move swiftly or stall
I am on my knees 
You made me fall
But its not gonna be forever
Oh no! Not at all
Someday or other 
I will be up on my own
And it would be the day
When i would leave you stoned
Its not near but its not far
I have frittered enough
Trying to reach the wrong star
I may seem weak but
The voice inside howls
I am what i want to be
The master of my soul

Chapter 1- The text

Jan 16th , 2009

The clock was ticking .. It seemed suddenly the fourth dimension was undergoing some unfavorable changes as the mid-semester exam time was approaching.  The usually noisy environment in hostel was filled with chants of guys cramming their xeroxes. The usually empty corridors were filled with walkers, drowned in the notes.

"chal be sale m@@ch@@daeye.. jo hoga dekha jayega!.. chal chalte hain" said a very good local friend of mine as he gatecrashed through the flocked group of fellow students who came into my room for several reasons which ranged from knowing the syllabus to clearing doubts. I was also tensed as we used to have two exams on a single day and it was the time for the business management paper. The most dreaded paper which included almost thousands of lines of cramming and mugging without any possible application of brain. Anyway Rushil's (my localite gatecrasher friend) took me by surprise but I felt relieved. Atleast someone came into my room with a topic not related to exams.

Mobiles check.. Cheats check... Codes written on hand covered under sleeves check.. id card - check.. All done .. And as I was about to leave a very unexpected person texted me. The probability that I would get a text from this person was like a 0.0000000001. I couldn't read the text as I had to rush to the hall as we already got late for the test. Getting late had become like a habit. I was kind of a good boy and an obedient student unlike Rushil. Rushil was like smart, intelligent but had very cool attitude. Atleast he gets the credit for teaching me the art and fun of arriving late in lectures and skipping them for galla-talks.

As expected exams got over and fortunately it was the last exam for the mid-sem. I got back to my hostel, turned on my PC and instantly joined the CS servers.  One hell of a game we used to play a lot in our hostel no matter what time of the day it was. That day we played a marathon CS match for almost like 6-7 hours. Finally I was on my bed resting after a long hectic three days of exams and then I remembered about the text.

The text was from Ananya.....

"Hi.. how are you?"

I was speechless. I didn't know whether it would be correct to reply back or not. So I deleted the text, restraining my urge to reply her back. I was worried if she was alright or if she was in some problem, but it wouldn't be appropriate to talk to her.

I put away my phone and desperately needed something to switch my mind off to some different topic. And every hostel inmate knew that nothing could be as effective a stress buster as the bhajan folder collection on possibly all the systems in the campus.

Finally, the day ended for me and the next day I was back on my regular routine with all the thoughts about the text drained out of my mind.

I was at peace but not for long..

You were the one...

Still today when I close my eyes
I cant erase you ...
Still today in my dreams
I cant stop imagining you..
You said you aren't the one
You moved on never turned
Why is it difficult to accept
That you are gone..
My mind remembers your last words
But my heart is lost in mist absurd
I try harder but stronger it gets
Your thoughts those talks your texts
Oh why you ever need to go
Why cant it be possible for me
Why I still believe in my heart
You were the one in my destiny..

hey there my shona

Hey there my shona
I have been stupid 
On occasions
You are far away at end 
And me here on shore

Hey there my.shona 
I might not.be a person
You dreamt of 
I might not b d answer
To all your problems 
A.thousand reasons 
to say no
But I have the solution
Oh I know...

Hey there my shona 
It's been time 
Since you been happy
Let me make you smile 
N blush n jolly
So forget the world a while 

Hey there my shona 
These texts are only things 
That keeps me alive 
In ur life one human being 
Oh how much I want to be there
Oh hope would u know..

Hey there my shona 
I really miss you 
So keep trying
I never meant to
Be the reason of ur crying 
But I m sorry 
I couldn't go ..
Go away...


Hey there my shona 
I really want to b with u
My day n night starts with u
I dont know how to express it
But there is only one thing 
That I know
I just want to keep u smiling so
N I wish I b there through 
Times thick n thin
By ur side a lose or win 
I really don't know 
How could I make u believe so
So I wrote this song... :)

Wait..

It gets bitter as days pass
When your thoughts encompass 
It was just yesterday .. it rained 
It feels time has now abend..
And I still wait at that garden chair
My eyes affixed at those stairs..
I can see your steps in sand 
I can feel you holding my hand 
But you are not here ...invisible
N your return however may seem impossible
I will b here waiting ...

Wake up sweetness

Wake up sweetness

Wake up oh oh love

For the sake of me

N the angels waiting above...

The sun has gone up

The birds are out of their nest

It's time to stretch out

Jump out of that bed ..

    

When you wink your cute eyes

Eyes just out of slumber

The soft hairy curls falling on ur cheek

Tat pink ting on your cute nose

N when those feathery lips smile

I forget where I am for a while ..

   

Wake up wake up

Jump out of your bed 

Hot coffee on table 

Awaits with toasted breads..

N i know how much you like 

Lazying n lying on that bed 

So if you won't come down

I would carry you instead..

  

So wake up wake up

The world awaits along with me

Just one more day I feel blessed

Waking you up my sweet serenity ..

Nothing left to say

I look back in time
searching you my rhyme
It hurts ..oh baby it hurts..
Suddenly everything is absurd
You took the first step 
I did necessary not to follow
You walked away
But I still stood there 
With a broken soul so hollow
And its over and you move on
One day you will be 
Someone else's song
But I am affixed what went wrong
I did so much for so long
All I wished to be with you
Though you never loved me
And when your time arrived
You just walked away 
Walked away breaking my heart
Nothing left to say...

Left in Despair

You dont know how it feels

You wont ever know

How could you ..when would you

Could just keep ignoring so

I was there through times 

so rough and strong

I was there through out

no matter right or wrong

But now when the times have gone

You are back who you ever were..

But i overlooked I was hopeful

With you I could share...

But sadly you didnt change

Never had a moment to stop and stare

I wish you never read this

I dont want to tell you that it aint fair

I hope someday you realize

I feel rejected and left in despair..

Someone I used to know

You came in my life 

But of course like a beautiful lie

I tried but couldnt be more

Have just ran out of tries

 I don't know I am not sure

Are you unaware or just ignore

I am tired and I want more 

I did my best to comfort you 

Walked by through rough times

I was loyal and never lied

To surprise you I always tried

But still I think I went wrong

I know its you for whom I want

To write this song

Don't lie to me plz don't 

You never loved me and ever won't

I feel hurted n I feel low

When I realize I misunderstood

Someone I used to know...

waking up is the hardest part

As the end creeps by your doorsteps
The shadow of the day grows darker
The trembling leaves on a dry tree
A restless soul waiting to be free..

God asked why are you so sad
Why are you bound into this world?
What has chained your spirits?
Why is your smile downward curled?

God replied the noble soul
I am in search, search of my heart
I gave it to someone dear
But she lost it tore it apart..

God I dont wish revenge
And I dont need any sympathy
I just want to accept and live
Come out of this apathy

My child wake up life is so long
You must not regret you did nothing wrong

Dear Lord, said I , when you sleep with a broken heart
Waking up is the hardest part...

When there would be no you...

I am holding on to you
You were so far away
I held on even though I ever knew
You would just move on
This feeling is not new

You came in like a breeze
So much warm
Yet cold inside to freeze
I couldn't understand I was blind
I thought you would come with me
Leaving everything behind

Hey love its sad to end like this
You know how much I would miss
I dont want to sleep tonight
Because i dont know
What would I do the morning next
In a life when there would be no you..